The other day I got home from work and found an official looking envelope sitting on my front doorstep. I opened it and couldn't believe my eyes. It was a note - a demand letter really - written on law firm stationery. It informed me that my first husband's daughters have decided they want their father's ashes and asked that I "comply promptly" with this request.
Where do I even begin with this?
To truly understand the total wrath I feel right now, you have to go back sixteen years. The day of my husband's memorial service, I returned home with my family and found his ex-wife standing inside (we had given her a house key in case there was ever an emergency with my stepdaughters). I didn't really know her well. The extent of our interaction was the brief exchanges we sometimes had when dropping off the children. Unfortunately for me, all that was about to change.
When we walked into my home, my uninvited guest already had her arms full and was busy rifling a desk drawer. Far from being embarrassed, she coolly asked me if I could direct her to a several of his possessions that she wanted. She seemed to have no grasp of the fact that they were long since divorced (due to her infidelity) and their assets long since legally divided. At the time I decided she must be behaving strangely because she was suffering from shock.
When the day finally came that we had to deal with my husband's estate, his brother and I were in complete accord. We both felt that the entire estate should be put into trust for his young daughters. The only one who was not of this opinion was his ex-wife - their mother. She sued "the estate" (i.e. her daughters) claiming she was entitled to a third as "alimony" - never mind that she had long since remarried the wealthy attorney she was having an affair with when the marriage broke up. My brother-in-law was tired, depressed and heartsick and didn't have the energy for battle. He gave her what he thought it would take to make the situation go away - much less than she had demanded, but certainly much more than she deserved. The next day, she went out and bought a new Cadillac.
Having "won" that round, her next task was to set about trying to re-write history. Her behavior had not gone unnoticed and she felt that she would become a more sympathetic figure if people believed that she had been married to my first husband until he died - and only after that did she remarry. The only thing standing in the way of this revisionist history was my inconvenient presence. She let me know this by telling me that she thought it would be best for all involved (i.e. her) if she "erased" me from memory. Subtle. Of course, she wasn't successful, but this didn't stop her from trying.
What angers me about the letter I received isn't the fact that my first husband's daughters would like something of their father. On the contrary. When I scattered his ashes I set aside two small containers for them. I've saved them all these years - along with the only existing video of him, and a packet of letters I had his friends and family write about him - knowing that one day it would important to them.
But in what world is the disposition of a loved one's remains considered a temporary matter? In what world would you think the wishes of a person's spouse aren't even a consideration - unless it's a delusional world where you just "erase" history you find inconvenient? In what world do you send a "legal" demand as a first resort - especially to someone who has always behaved in a kind, generous and sharing manner? For that matter, in what world do you send a "legal" demand at all for something to which you have NO legal entitlement? And in what world do you consider anything and everything your possession simply because you've decided you want it?
Well I have two words for you: Fuck you! You are greedy, grasping, selfish, irresponsible and hateful. If there is a hell there will most certainly be a special place reserved for you there. I know you will never get or appreciate this, but your daughters are incredibly lucky they have at least one person in their lives who was concerned about their best interests and feelings when their father died - and that person was most definitely not you. Your daughters will have something to remember their father by, but not because it occurred to you 16 years too late and even then only out of spite. It will be because I thought about them and planned for it from day one.
It has taken me a while to write this - I'm not usually one for airing dirty laundry publicly. I guess I just needed to vent.
